American View: What you’re probably reading today instead of cybersecurity news

Risk Management21 Jan 2025

One of the most frustrating aspects of ‘blogging in America is keeping up with our frantic and incoherent news cycle. By the time a juicy topic has been explained enough to write about responsibly, it’s already been eclipsed by some wilder scandal. Part of this can be attributed to Russian disinformation artists “flooding the zone” to be sure, but most of it – I believe – can be attributed to our society’s collective addiction to spectacle. It seems like no one can take a moment out to pause and reflect on just how stupid we’ve become as a nation; we’re compelled to scroll further and further down our feeds, forever seeking that next squirt of serotonin that comes from “liking” a new dank meme.

I say all this because today is Tuesday the 21st … a.k.a., the day after the second inauguration of President Trump. The last time we attempted this, a horde of violent zealots stormed our capitol and tried to execute the outgoing vice president in between bouts of expressionist finger-painting. Odin only knows how this attempt is going to go, which makes it darned tough to write something on Sunday evening that will register on Tuesday morning:

“It says here that ransomware has shut down the Metropolis Credit Union!”

“Who cares? Have you heard that Mitch McConnel has decreed that his staffers will spend eternity entombed with him in his sepulchre? Starting next Monday?”

“Is that why President Trump wanted to ‘purchase’ Greenland?”

“Where else can you fit a bloody giant pyramid? Think, darling!”

That phase was great while it lasted.

Bloody nuisance, even if everything goes well … and given the players involved, I can’t imagine any of it going well. But, as they say, if you can’t beat them at the ballot box, join them in making *#&$ up on the internet. That in mind, here are the main stories I suspect will push this column off the front page throughout the week following the inauguration:

Incoming Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth will unilaterally change DoD policy to return beer vending machines to all military barracks, mess halls, company orderly rooms, and rifle ranges. To ensure his order is executed, Sec. Hegseth has announced that he will personally visit every American military installation worldwide and confirm for himself that the machines work. All profits from this revenue-generating and morale-building initiative will be used to pay down the president’s legal bills. When asked by reporters if this decision will degrade American military readiness to defend out NATO allies, Sec. Hegseth responded “Gerroff me! Thesrh nuffink I - wait wait wait - nuffink you can do ’boutit.”

Newly sworn-in Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced an immediate budget reduction of $4.9 billion by revoking Medicare, Medicaid, and all hospitals operating throughout the republic. Starting tonight at midnight it will be illegal – punishable by death! – for anyone possessing any medical education to practice medicine in the United States. These services will be replaced by Magic Healing Crystals™ sourced from Mike Lindell’s MyPillow. Citizens in need of life-saving trauma care might qualify for discounted overnight shipping using the coupon code “VIBES” once the Affordable Care Act website finishes changing ownership.

In addition, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson announced that Congress will no longer hear debate or vote on the topic of abortion rights. By divine mandate, Johnson declared, the United States will no longer leave the issue of women’s access to healthcare up to the states. Instead, any America desiring an abortion can attain one at her leisure so long as she gets it from one designated clinic located in Davos, Switzerland. Cash only, Johnson sneered, “the way God™ intended.”

Remember: abortion is only an unforgiveable sin when poor people get one.

Speaking of God™, the president announced that “freedom of religion” is his administration’s top priority for 2025. He promised that he’ll return faith to its proper place in American society by making church attendance and tithing compulsory. When asked how this policy will affect nonbelievers, President – and honorary Super-Pope™ – Trump allayed the press’s fears: “Everyone can pray at the Christofascist Megachurch of their choice.” He went on to promise that the IRS would sort “auto-tithing” directly from payroll withholdings in exchange for a 50% “service fee” (payable in quarterly instalments to the lawyers handing his civil judgments).

Incoming Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard announced the dismantling of all current counter-intelligence agencies and programs as a cost-saving measure. The ~$106 billion appropriated for the intelligence community in 2024 will be redirected to Elon Musk’s SpaceX where it can be better invested building casinos on Mars. Sec. Gabbard promised that there will be no noticeable effect on American security, as she personally will transfer our national security secrets directly to the GRU, “cutting out the middleman.”

Meanwhile, Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy arrived at his first press conference in his brand-new Cybertruck. Smiling, he announced the end of his department’s investigation into Tesla crashes. The new secretary didn’t stay to answer questions; he immediately drove away and died in a fiery crash thirty seconds later. When asked for comment, Mr. Musk merely sneered and quipped, “snitches drive into ditches.”

Continuing with the topic of faithless traitors, Attorney General Pam Bondi ordered the FBI to search every social media post ever made to identify, locate, and arrest everyone who ever made fun of God-Emperor Trump. She promised the assembled reporters that this will be a swift operation, as Elon Musk has pre-emptively set his “A.I.” application Grok to read all of Twitter’s data and rank-order a list of disloyal citizens. Bondi has already signed arrest warrants for the arch criminals Liam Nissan™, xxxYerMumxxx, and LigmaBalz420.

“Police urge the public to report anyone they encounter who’s wearing a hoodie. These people are all ‘L33t H@x0r$.’”

Finally, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials kicked off Operation EUPHIMISM, the largest ever roundup and deportation of “illegal aliens, gang members, transsexuals, librarians, university professors, democrats, and people who look funny.” According to ICE Director Caleb Vitello, agents stormed a Chicago Bears game at halftime and have not been heard from since. In unrelated news, 200 new ICE vacancies have been posted to the federal jobs website.

To be clear, this isn’t my “worst case scenario” for the second Trump term; I can imagine much worse based on precedent. Reality has proven to be completely broken. I’d say I’m “looking forward” to seeing which of my predictions come true on Tuesday, but that would be a lie. I dread what’s coming, both on the 21st and every day following until America comes to its senses. The staggering flow of stupidity hurtling down the pipeline is bound to sweep away the last traces of decency, compassion, and integrity left in these-here Ewe-Knighted States and I’m danged if there’s anything a ‘blogger can do to stop it. We’re screwed … and we’re determined to make that everyone else’s problem … just for the lulz.

Good luck, y’all. I’ll most likely in my backyard foxhole with my phone and a 2-litre bottle of Pepto-Bismol, waiting for the debris to stop falling so I can Tweet again.